Another New Year

In a little more than 24 hours a new year will arrive. I guess that means it's time to reflect and write the year end blog post. Recently, going over old posts, I see that I have written less and less about my personal life here. Now, I'm a private person at the best of times but I've been positively silent lately. Perhaps there is some sort of odd inverse relationship at play. It seems the more that is going on, the less I am likely to say.

Much happened in 2014. My daughter moved out on her own. I turned fifty. I lost a job under difficult circumstances resulting in great financial hardship and an uncertain future. I met a man I have grown to love and who loves me; the one who is my person. 

Unexpectedly, the event that should have been the most demoralising, is the one that has been the most empowering. Being wrongly dismissed from my job in a humiliating manner, instead of crushing me, rallied my strength in a way I did not know was possible. With the help of a great non-profit organisation, Worker's Action Centre, I've been fighting this wrong and actually winning some small victories. The support of my daughter, my friends and my wonderful boyfriend has buoyed me, made me feel strong.

Another first in 2014? I knit a scarf for a man! The linen stitch, Sherlock inspired, coat scarf was done in time for Christmas. The full 164 cm was achieved and my fella wears it all the time. It turned out pretty well I think!

I am looking forward to 2015 and all the challenges it may bring. My Freewill Astrology horoscope says this is the year I will "learn more than ever before about what it's like for all the different parts of you to be united". How very exciting! Bring it on.

Happy New Year everyone!

Six Month Astrological Check In - Gemini

Now, write the following questions on a slip of paper that you will leave taped to your mirror for the next six months.  "1.  How can I get closer to making my job and my vocation be the same thing?  2.  What am I doing to become an even more robust and confident version of myself?"

Awesome 

Quotable

...having a broken heart is one of the best things that can happen to you.  Why?  Because it strengthens your humility, which makes you smarter.  It demonstrates to you that you have a tremendous capacity for deep feelings - far more than you're normally aware of. It breaks down defense mechanisms that have desensitized you to the world's secret beauty.  It may also inspire you to treat other people's hearts with greater care, making it more likely that you'll be able to create intelligent intimacy in the future.

That's why I say, celebrate your broken heart.  It's a gift the world gives you to awaken you to the truth about what matters most.

Rob Brezsny
Pronoia is the Antidote for Paranoia
North Atlantic Books 2005


My bedside reading these days is from this, mostly silly, but sometimes profound book.  I like this one.

Random Grace

Remember "The Post". Well the post, as such, never happened but the intention, the momentum of the intention, has remained with me all these months. I've kept in mind that horoscope's advice:

"...heal the pain so that you no longer have to numb it. The astrological omens say that if you establish that as your intention, you will attract into your life the helpers and inspiration you need to make it happen. More than that: You'll be likely to generate the kind of good fortune that will render at least some of the pain obsolete."

Things that I have learned: If you ask for help, people will help you! This has been a huge one for me. I've been a control freak for so long. I've had to learn to let that go and accept help. My heart has been filled to overflowing lately with the generosity and just plain niceness of some folks.

If you put out good energy and believe in the bounty of the universe, good things can come back to you. My miracle apartment for example. My current temp position that came to me through someone else's thoughtfulness, and that may lead to something more permanent. The internet friends I've made through Secret Pal and blogging.

What brought all this rambling on? Chairs. One week to my move date and I was slightly stressed over lack of chairs.. I have a beautiful old kitchen table that was my Grandma's. The matching chairs disintegrated long ago and I was concerned about having no place to place my bottom. Then, yesterday, arriving home from work, what do I see? The man across the street has placed out, as garbage, four perfectly decent kitchen chairs. The seat cushions just need re-covering. Otherwise, they're perfect for the new place.

See? Good fortune. Weird.

The Post - Astrologically Speaking

Does anyone else read Freewill Astrology by Rob Brezsny, the syndicated horoscope? While I don't read it as a great predictor of my future, I find his phrasing, his mythological and literary references, and his often just plain cryptic teasing, to be a great jumping off point for further reflection. The seeds of other discussions.

Example: In late December the column suggested that in 2008 Gemini should do less numbing of pain and instead "launch a fierce, relentless campaign to heal the pain so that you no longer have to numb it". Those who know me , know that I did a lot of numbing of a lot of pain in 2007. And 2006...and 2005...

I was already working on this problem when the column came out. It seemed omen-like, or at least a reinforcement that I was on the right track.

Now this week, there is encouragement to story tell. To share "adventures in redemption", the riddles of the quest. Doing so, the column continues, will give "the exact boost you need to open fully to the next great story in your life".

This, at a time when I have been pondering The Post. I've been working through my shit in my journal forever, sorting it out, categorizing, making sense. Yet, the urge to put it here so that it is public (even if only three people read it) has been strong. I wonder why? Does public recording take experiences and feelings from the realm of the theoretical, and make them more real, more valid?
I just recently listened to the episode of Cast On in which Laurie Perry aka Crazy Aunt Purl, was a guest. She spoke extensively about her blogging process. I was surprised to hear that she rarely writes of the deeply personal events as they are happening. She works through them first, then records her story in the blog several months later. The perceived immediacy of her writing, and hence, the impact of the story, are apparently enhanced by the calmness of perspective. This seems a wise approach.

So when is this perspective achieved? And how to balance the measuring of readiness against the instinct to share? Yes, I have a small, common story. In it is some knitting and other stuff. I whisper my story across the country through email to my best friend and mumble it over wine with some Toronto friends. Yet when, if ever, is it time to type it into public record to become The Post?